Employee Benefits

I always got excited hearing about employee benefits—they paint such a rosy picture of corporate life. Google employees have a pool and free haircuts, GM gives out company cars, and even my cousin who works at Boston Consulting Group gets to play Wii at the office. The company I work for mostly sells plastic pellets.

It’s a sore point for me that employees don’t get free bags of plastic pellets.

Because we also make the aspartame they put in Diet Coke, about our only company perk is that we have 200 crates of Diet Coke hoarded in our backroom. So, like everyone else in my office, I drink 3 cans a day, mostly out of boredom, and have an ‘asparterrific’ headache by quitting time.

If Rembrandt drank Diet